Mixxed Marriage

I guess I'm the lone dissenter here. I have also been in a mixed marriage for just over two years, and have not found it to be an insurmountable obstacle at all. I also poured over these specific CCC articles in my own marriage prep, and it does read that a mixed marriage is not impossible "when they succeed in placing in common what they have received from their respective communities, and learn from each the ways in which each lives in fidelity to Christ." The key here in OPEN Communication and honesty about our faith, and being unafraid to share it.

In daily practice that means we do learn from each other and respect each other. We are also not afraid to pray together even though we both follow different denominations. I have learned his family prayers, and he has taken the time to learn mine as well--such as our dinner prayer. We may discuss/debate our difference, but we both make Christ the center of our marriage. Those debates also keep me honest in my walk with God too, and making sure my motivations toward religion are good ones. Likewise, being married to a non-Catholic has encouraged me to learn about my faith and apologetics.... so that I can explain it/understand why we do things the way we do to my husband and his family (Such as learning to explain how the Mass is very biblical to those who follow sola scriptura, or answering the question, "what does tradition ACTUALLY mean?")

Very often my husband comes to Mass with me, and very much enjoys it. However part of this may have to do that he grew up in a denomination with a similar worship structure...a fact which has eased this transition. My priest, who married us, loves seeing him at Mass when he comes too. William knows he is welcomed there. When he was stationed in Iraq he even found he enjoyed going Mass much more than the contemporary generic Christian worship style services offered to Protestants at his base.

I'm not trying to say that a Mixed Marriage is easy. It's a challenge, for sure. I see my husband's face when he stays at the pew when I go up to receive the Eucharist every week. Our Holy Week gets crazier than usual as we balance two churches. However, as my husband's own denomination has been facing yet another split, he has been able to find some solace in the Mass too. I find that he does have someplace to go, a blessing, even as he turns down the idea of converting. As the Catholic in the marriage, I do understand that part of being his wife is showing him the love my Church has to offer. Maybe one day he'll be Catholic, and maybe he won't. I respect his decision either way.

So, while a Mixed Marriage may not be "better" it can still be worth it, as long as the conversations are happening that allow the couple to find their commonalities in Christ. My own Mixed Marriage still happened in the Church, is still Sacramental, and I wouldn't have it any other way. It works because we make Christ the Center in all and We are not afraid to discuss and have the difficult conversations. For me, it has been very much "worth it." I have a husband who loves me, supports me, encourages me in all that I do, and in the larger scheme of it, where each of us goes to church on Sunday is a small part of who we are, because there are so many more ways to live out our faith. He encourages me to both bible-study and
pray my rosary because he knows that ultimately they are good for me, even is he doesn't always agree with some of the theology behind it.

For any couple who might be considering a mixed marriage, I would say it will only work IF both parties are asking the tough questions of themselves and each other regarding their own faith and how they intend to share it and live it. I would tell them to make Christ the center, no matter what. It takes honesty, integrity, and communication. Any couple, regardless of belief needs to have that discussion anyway.

Journeys Through the Scripture with some Sisters in Christ...

Since the start of the school year I have been participating in a wonderful group bible study with the Women's Ministry of Twin Oaks Presbyterian Church.

We have been journeying through the often confusing book of Deuteronomy through the study book  More Grace, More Love: Living in Covenant with God by George Robertson, with Mary Beth McGreevy.  Talk about an intense book!  The authors of our study, all the speakers in the women's ministry, and our amazing small group leader have all helped crack open the depth of Old Testament Law for us and have made Salvation History make sense. 

Every week I have plucked along with them with my little Kindle edition ESV, or when I'm at home my New Jerusalem Bible. We worked through the study questions together weekly, and discussed our answers as a group when we met.  Some weeks I was on fire for the lesson and to get into the Word.  Other weeks I putzed through the lesson and wanted to skip it, but knew that keeping the routine was good for me.  Some weeks I had to look up the Catholic response to some Protestant theological idea, but most weeks I was keenly aware of our strong joint understanding of the same redemptive drama (We use mostly the same bible, after all).  This was a lesson in perseverance too, it seems.

What's a good Catholic girl like me doing in a Protestant bible study anyway?

I have always had an ecumenical heart....otherwise I never would have married a good Lutheran boy!  I have always struggled in finding good Catholic Bible Studies, even though I have found other ways to live out my Catholic faith in my own parish.  Also, us Catholics tend not to know our Bibles as we should, considering it IS one of the pillars of our faith (the other being Tradition).  I have often admired just how well Protestants are able to memorize and quote bible verses with seemingly no effort.  There is something to be learned here.....  Besides, how much better would my own witness become if I could give a biblical reasoning behind what I believe?

It's a funny story how I wound up there, actually.  My often-Baptist-leaning Lutheran sister-in-law invited me last spring when I was struggling with depression and needed to fill a routine-type void when my day-treatment program was coming to an end.  Her and her Aunt had been a part of this community for years, as the resident Lutherans in a group of wonderful ladies whom I have come to know. I jumped at the chance, with clear knowledge that if I was to develop a healthy relationship with my sister-in-law it was going to be through God and his Grace. This was a means to develop deeper relationships with this family I married into.  And what harm is a bible study anyway, especially for a Catholic who tends not to read the bible as much as I ought?  Turns out the relationship roots grew deeper than I had imagined, as my husband's grandmother used to babysit for our small group leader long ago.  It was almost as if family was waiting for me before I even entered the door..... talk about the relational nature of Christ and his church, no?  And they welcomed me in, despite me being the Papist that I am.  Today I have been cultivating my relationship with these ladies, many of them of a generation who can teach me quite a bit as a younger woman.

I feel so blessed to have been spending my Tuesday mornings with such wonderful women of wisdom, and have been realizing just how much I am going to miss them when the semester comes to a close.  It was luck, God, serendipity.... that my schedule was such that I could join them.  I fully acknowledge that I might not be so lucky in the autumn either, especially as I continue on my search for a full time job in my field. 

As the end draws near I have been meditating on how to continue the healthy bible study habit.  I am the kind of person who needs a structured pre-prepared study to crack open the meaning behind the Scriptures.  I tend to fall away from the habit of reading them if I'm reading them free-form.  For this reason I often will just read the Gospel reading from the Daily Office, but the challenge of a long term in-depth study such as the one I am about to finish makes me feel more fulfilled in my understanding of Christ.

I've been looking at Edward Sri's A Biblical Walk Through of the Mass: Understanding What We say and Do in the Liturgy as one possibility.  I was also looking at Stacey Mitch's Courageous Love: A Bible Study on Holiness for Women.  Both looked promising.  Would any of you have any suggestions? 

Meditation on just one evil of mankind...

I cannot remain silent about the Gosnell trial, happening as I type this.

I usually try to remain silent on my own social media outlets because of the diversity of viewpoints I have on places like my facebook feed or twitter.  On one hand I choose to listen to what they have to say, and on the other hand I am afraid that they will see me as nothing more than some conservative nutjob and fail to see me for me...someone with varied opinions about a variety of topics, and who doesn't follow a party line.  However I felt about the topic of abortion years ago, my heart has been changed toward the topic over time. My heart has changed because of first hand stories I have heard and what I have experienced, although the stories of others belong to the people who have lived them--they are not mine to tell.

I used to be pro-choice.

I used to make the argument that many around me still do today: While I myself would never choose abortion for my own child, I would never make the act illegal so that it can remain safe for those who do choose it.

So in other words, I chose ignorance of evil and silent acceptance.

Yes, I said evil.

I guess it all goes back to the debate of when life begins.  Does it begin with birth? Does it begin at conception?  Or does it begin somewhere in between?  Oh....and how valuable is life anyway?  Is this creature in the womb even a person?

The reason that many pro-life advocates choose to show violent images of aborted fetuses is to try to shock the viewer into accepting their opinion as the right one.  I don't know if this is the answer.  I also don't know if legislation is the answer at this time, but I do know that honesty, integrity in the face of the suffering, education about options and gentle persuasion are.  Until the hearts and minds of a nation can be persuaded into choosing life, legislation might be doing little more than continuing to divide us as a people and nation.  It is for this reason that my heart goes out to those who support the adoption industry or drive the ThriVe vans, who provide prayer and emergency counseling at a grassroots level.  Division as it is today has caused more polarization of values in this country, and violence as a result, which is also wrong.  We need to pray that all hearts and minds see the evil of abortion and to be united in this....otherwise this fight will just go on and on and on, and back and forth and back again.

I do not think it is right to kill another human being just because a mistake was made.
We cannot cure sin with more sin.

BUT.  We live in a secular world, a world which more and more lacks morality and fails to see God's love for us.  We live in a nation severely divided against itself, where no one can agree whether it is black and white, or shades of gray.  It is complicated.

Women who have made this very tough decision need our forgiveness and our prayers.

I think that regardless of how you feel about abortion, we can all agree that the nature of Kermit Gosnell's work is absolutely deplorable and evil on so many levels.  What he did was to induce labor and kill the born....he didn't just kill the unborn.  That's just a small part of his crimes against women.  Feel free to research it for yourself here, here and especially here.  Was his work common practice in the abortion industry or simply the work of a depraved man?  There is quite a debate in that question alone.  I have heard both answers from multiple sides.  I'm saddened that this story isn't making the media as en force as a guy who hurts dogs....which is also deplorable, but aren't people a little more important?  People.....US....Those who cannot speak for themselves....such AS the UNBORN.

Book Review: History of the Catholic Church

Much my own spiritual journey happens through the books I read.  Right now I am reading about the ancient journey of others and simultaneously myself.....my church.

I am ever so slowly plucking my way through James Hitchcock's  History of the Catholic Church.  It's a big one guys!  Because I'm reading it on my kindle I didn't realize just how thick this text was until I saw it during a visit to my local Catholic Supply where it was on the shelf with other new titles.  There it was: hard cover, and quit hefty! I'm already considering it as a Christmas gift for my father....the print version that is.  Tis not for the feint of heart or the impatient reader.

Hitchcock has attempted a difficult undertaking: telling our rich story as a church from the time of Christ until today.  He is covering everything from wars, changes in liturgy, major theological thinkers, each and every heresy which threatened her existence; and all of it is interwoven with European social history.  I just finished reading about the Crusades and the separation of the East and West.  Because of the broad scope of this project (Over 2,000 years), Hitchcock does not go into too much detail...rather this is an introduction to many many ideas that can be a jumping point to your own research should a person wish to explore a topic more in depth.  I appreciate the way he puts many complicated ideas into the layman's terms without oversimplification or dumbing down, although the topical nature in which he covers his subjects can become a little confusing when you are reading from past to present.  Be ready for some jumps in the story telling as he back tracks to futher explain some concepts in more detail.

Overall, an interesting read, but then again, I consider myself an eternal student of History.
I'm sure I'll be referencing this one for many years to come.

For the Record.....

For the Record....

I'm just a girl.  With a Blog.

My only credentials are as a student. Of Art History. (I have the degrees to prove that.)
I am not a theologian, even though I love theology.

I like to read and write about what I read.

I also like to cook and taking pictures of what I have cooked.
Maybe some day I'll even start blogging recipes and kitchen experiments.

I'm not going to pretend I'm an expert at anything, because I'm not. 
But I will not pretend that I am without passion for the things I am interested in. 

My interests don't just stop with food and God.  I love making a home for myself and my wonderful husband.  I love sharing my faith, even though in person I can be quite shy about it, choosing to open up on a one-on-one basis rather than in a large group, introvert that I am.  I love Irish culture....her food and her music.  But I am not, by blood, Irish in any way.  I feel at community when I am in my favorite Irish Pub.....where I am a regular and always feel like I am a part of a big extended family when I am there.  I love Beauty and Artistic expression, and revel in the many ways that artists through the ages have told God's story in their own ways.  I spend way too much time isolated from a world I want to be a part of: because of the weakness of my body and the weakness of my mind.  So I probably spend more time online that in face to face community.  I love going to mass.  Don't ask me to explain it, or try to convince me that it's a waste of my precious time.....because my soul yearns for the Sacrament, for Jesus, for friendship with God, and I wouldn't have it any other way.  I find a well brewed cider and good company equally as sacred.  My favorite part about Irish culture?  Their love of hospitality.  Even if I don't physically always go out into the world, my door is always open to a kind soul.  I have a distrust of authority, yet I crave approval.  I struggle.  I learn.  Even if I tend to ramble, I love to share.

I DO have passion and I DO have Love.

And THAT is why I blog.

Another post on New Evangelism

As I have been reading about this topic of New Evangelism, I have noticed that each of my sources on the topic have included a different set of lists about what a New Evangelist or what New Evangelism is.  Luckily, they all seem to start at the same place, which is Jesus. 

I'd like to share what these thinkers believe make up New Evangelism, starting with Fr. Robert Barron.  He describes Seven Keys to Being a New Evangelist in this interview posted by fellow Catholic Blogger Brandon Vogt on his own blog, and then on Fr. Robert Barron's own Word on Fire. What I am including below is Barron's list with my own thoughts, paraphrases of Barron's idea.  I highly recommend that you start by checking out my original sources first....both Vogt and Barron put it far better than I could!  No, really....go check them out now! (And if you have 45 minutes, DO Listen to Vogt's speech on the topic)

1. "In Love with Jesus Christ" or "A friend with Jesus Christ"

This is a trait that New Evangelist Roman Catholics share with our Protestant brothers and sisters.  The emphasis on having a personal relationship with Christ is one that has not been emphasized in recent history by Catholics, but that needs to be on the forefront of our faith if we are to maintain our Catholic identity into the future.  Just knowing ABOUT Christ is no longer enough, or learning our faith through cultural osmosis.  It needs to get personal. Personally, as someone who is ecumenically minded, my heart rejoices that this is the first on the list of traits.  It gives me something strong in common with my Protestant brothers and sisters, and I can honestly say to them when asked, that yes, I do have a friendship with Christ.

2.  "A Person of Ardor" or who is "Filled with Ardor"

Us Catholics just love vocabulary lessons! (Consubstantial, anyone?)  Someone who is filled with Ardor for God is someone who is ON FIRE for him, someone who is passionate.  Someone you can't help but listen to, and who rejoices in having what Fr. Barron calls a "keen sense of the resurrection."  When we are filled with joy of what Christ did for us on the cross.  When we truly GET IT, it's difficult not to be filled with immense joy and want to shout it from the roof tops.  The first person I think of is Cardinal Timothy Dolan, who expresses this passion and joy in every interview I've watched.  Some day I'll get to listen to the joyousness that must be one of his sermons live.

3.  "A Person Who Knows the Story of Israel,"  Someone who is well aware of temple about covenant about prophecy, about law, because Jesus fulfills all of that.

This past fall my sister-in-law invited me to a bible study with a Women's Ministry at a local Presbyterian Church.  Now, as you may have guessed, my In-Laws are NOT Catholic, but I still relished in this invitation to share my walk with Christ with them, and so I became the groups "pet Catholic."  Incidentally, the study we are doing is "Deuteronomy: More Grace, More Love: Living in Covenant with God," by George Roberston with Beth McGreevy.  It is an in depth look at the Old Testament which has opened my eyes to the foretelling nature of Christ in the Jewish scriptures. I am a little bit jealous at just how well most Protestants know their bibles backwards and forwards and are deeply aware of the ways that Christ fulfills Old Testament prophecy.  I hope to emulate this kind of bible knowledge someday and am able to express it in teaching my own children.  It's a little frustrating that my own catechesis had too take a temporary dive into Protestantism in order to fall in love with the temple narrative.  However, I rejoice that this narrative is a central portion of my favorite mass of the year, the Easter Vigil, when we hear numerous readings about Man's Fall and the hope of Christ to come hinted at throughout all of time in the prophets of Abraham, Moses, David, Jonah, Elijah, and others.  My husband refers to this mass as the "Marathon Mass," which at three hours long when attending it at the Cathedral Basilica in St. Louis does seem like a marathon, (fitting that Paul did refer to the Christian life as a marathon often) but the participant is richly rewarded in the end by sharing in the joy of new Christians entering our church and in the resurrection of the lamb.  Cue the Alleluia chorus in full glory near the end......

4.  "Has Got to Know the Culture"  or be"A Person who Understands the Culture" 

Fr. Barron refers to the quote by Karl Barth that "the homilist should have the bible in one hand and the newspaper in the other:" a quote which resonates with my Lutheran husband.  Being a Christian today is inexplicably a Counter-Cultural move.  Our beliefs often don't make sense to those outside the church, we have been described as hateful and behind the times for putting our foot down on certain moral issues and refusing to budge.  The trap is to fall into our own little subculture as many evangelical Christians have been known to do, only listening to "Christian" music or wearing "Christian" logos on t shirts.  However, when we tuck ourselves behind a closed door of a sub-culture, we are not engaging the culture at large.  As New Evangelists we are called to be in engagement of the culture around us, not in avoidance of it.  We are called to question it and to interact with it, drawing out what message of redemption we can use in order to preach the Gospel.  St. Patrick evangelized the Celtic people by using their own imagery.  According to the legend, we used the three leaf clover to describe the Holy Trinity.  In our time, speaking the language of the culture around us may look like knowing what movies are playing, referring to facebook, television.  Fr. Barron lives this example in the cultural commentaries that he publishes on his Youtube channel.  Oddly, there was a time in history when WE were the culture.  Take a look at Renaissance art, for example.  But today, our culture has increasingly turned away from any kind of biblical foundation and has turned toward postmodern pessimism.  It needs re-engaging and re-filled with hope.

5.  "A Person who reverences Great Tradition" Not Sola Scriptura.....our tradition has unfolded over time.  We have a grand interpretive tradition, the arts--visial and media

Roman Catholicism acknowledges the infinitely enjoined nature of both the Bible and Holy Tradition.  The Bible was born out of Holy Tradition and Holy Tradition continues to be evaluated by the Bible.  We are not Sola Scriptura as the Protestant denominations have insisted on.  We, instead, have a rich interpretive tradition of two thousand years worth of thinkers who have been inspired by the message of Christ and  have put down their words to inspire future generations.  They have interpreted the Word so we may be left without interpretive confusion about what is going on.  That, and we have this rich tradition of art, music, even movies, which have had something to say about the nature of our world, the nature of man, and the nature of Christ's grand sacrifice.

6.   "A Person with a Missionary Heart"

I know many a person who claims Catholicism as their religion and history, but don't go to mass.  Even I struggle to make it to weekly mass.  While I was fortunate enough to be raised in a family where missing Sunday mass was usually not an option, as an adult no one is forcing me to wake up early on Sunday morning and just go.  I have fallen trap to the "Meh" Culture.  I'll go tomorrow.  Truthfully, however, when I don't go to mass, I feel it the rest of the week.  I feel that separateness from God.  Fr. Barron called souls divorced from God in this manner as anguished.  It takes surprisingly little to go from not going to church anymore to not believing anymore.  It's going to take a real effort to get wayward Catholics to return in a culture that doesn't want to be bothered.  Our mission as New Evangelists in North America has to engage this "Meh" culture, to reawaken those of us who have fallen asleep in Christ, and to be missionaries within postmodernism.

7.  "Knows and Loves the New Media" or "A Persons who knows how to use the New Media" 

Fr. Barron and others have pointed to the work of the Venerable Fulton Sheen who has had a mission toward using the Media of the day.  Today we live in a world rich with media technology.  For people like me its even almost a part of our blood!  Youtube, Blogs, Facebook, Twitter.....these are all a part of our culture and HOW we engage the culture.  These are simply many forms of media as our fingertips.  The most beautiful part of this is that these very tools make it possible for us to tell our OWN stories.  Just look at the coverage of last week's papal elections to see the fruit of this.  On one hand we have Mass Media, owned by secular institutions, who have already tried to tell our story for us and have tried whatever they can to paint our message in a false light.  On the other hand, the thousands of us telling our own story via New Media.  Who is going to tell the story of our faith?  Us?  Or a culture hostile to the message of Jesus?

Coming Soon: What Cardinal Donald Weurl has to say about New Evangelism.

George Weigel on the Church in Latin America

Speaking of our amazing Pope Francis and of George Weigel and his Book, Evangelical Catholicism ..... this interview was made just days before a certain someone became Pope. Enjoy.

I feel a Revival Coming On....

Wow!  It has been quite an interesting Lenten season for us Catholics. 

First, Pope Benedict the 16th stepped down as the leader of our church.  All eyes turned toward Rome last week when the College of Cardinals were all called into Convention, and then into Conclave, to choose our new Pontificate -- who came in the form of the Argentinian Archbishop Jorge Mario Bergoglio, now Pope Francis.  He is the first Pope from the New World, the first Jesuit Pope, and our first Francis.  I missed watching his Inaugural Mass on television this morning (I chose sleep instead), but I didn't miss watching his first historic words to the world last week when he stepped out onto the Balcony over St. Peter's square and said "Good Evening."  I was sitting in my living room, taking a break from cleaning. When he led us in prayer.....from those in St. Peter's Square to everyone in the world who was watching via TV, the internet, Twitter.....I couldn't help but feel the Holy Spirit at work.  Here we are, the Catholic, Universal church, being led in prayer by our new Pope.  My spine tingled through each word of the "Our Father," "Hail Mary," and "Glory Be."  Words cannot express what that kind of unity felt like.  Oh! To be there in more than spirit....!

I can't help but feel revitalized in my faith at a time like this.  Catholicism is one of the top topics in the public's mind right now.  It's up to us as Catholics to do something good with it, to keep the ball rolling.  We are starting to learn what the shape of Pope Francis' ministry will look like based off of the example he led back in his home country.  The media has not hesitated to dig up anything and everything in an attempt to either exalt or demean this man.  Yet, on the fore front of all of that media buzz are all the little ways that Pope Francis lives the Gospel.....in choosing the bus rather than the papal limo, or paying his hotel bill the morning after the vote.  In Pope Francis we have a humble servant who was exalted because of his humility.  It's beautiful. It's a living testament to the fact that we as Christians need to be living examples of our faith, and DO, ACT upon Christ's words when he tells us to Feed his people.  Just like St. Francis of Assisi famously said: "Preach the Gospel always. With words if you have to."

This is not to discredit the work of our scholarly Pope Emeritus, Benedict the 16th, whose writings have been described as little time bombs planted in our recent history, waiting to be discovered and read.  I, personally, have a few of his titles in my reading queue. 

What I am most amazed and hopeful about, though, is how Pope Francis will be continuing Pope Benedict's work on New Evangelization.  Even though I have just heard the term less than a month ago, I have been passionately and almost obsessively intrigued by the topic. 

Pope Benedict started this Year of Faith back in October with a Synod of Bishops in Rome on the theme of "The New Evangelization and the Transmission of the Christian Faith."  The United States Conference of Bishops has since presented a strategic pastoral plan for evangelizing which can accessed on their webpage.  Then there are all the publications on the topic which are finally coming out into the public domain to be read.  I, for one, have already devoured Cardinal Donald Weurl's New Evangelization: Passing on the Catholic Faith Today, which came out just this past January. This is a short little gem which serves as a good introduction to the topic.  Currently, I am in the middle of Evangelical Catholicism: Deep Reform in the 21st Century Church, by the Letters to a Young Catholic author George Weigel.  Weigel's book invites Catholics to look at both how our recent history as a church has led us to this point, for both good and for ill, as well as presents a steady solution in our evangelizing styles.  His work is both scholarly and easy to follow, as well as makes me feel glad to be a part of the Catholic Family.  Like any good bookworm, I enjoy these titles, its actually the Video-Internet based ministry of Fr. Robert Barron, of Word on Fire, that I find most intriguing.

I discovered Fr. Barron's Youtube channel just months before my wedding, when I was recovering from my tonsillectomy at my parent's house.  Reading was difficult, so I surfed the web instead. Earlier that week my father had read an article by Fr. Barron which was republished in the local diocesan newspaper.  I decided to Google this fascinating author, and was pleasantly surprised by his Youtube commentaries on our contemporary culture.  I had already been aware of the extent that the Protestant churches had been using technology: twitter, youtube and vlogs, to spread the gospel message, but I still had this over arching idea that my own church was kitch in its visual approach and behind the times.  This man proved that bias wrong.  The first people I followed on Twitter were of this Protestant persuasion.....after all, I did marry a Protestant.  However, since then it feels like my own Catholic family has been catching up in leaps and bounds.  Word on Fire ministries, and Fr. Robert Barron, have gone on to complete their now amazing video series: Catholicism, and are currently working on a video series on New Evangelism, which I am wonderfully anticipating.

You see, I am a child of the information age.  I have been blogging in some form or another since I was in high school.  I was connected on Myspace when it was the cool thing to do; now I am on Facebook and Twitter.  I have used Skype to keep in contact with my husband during his overseas deployments.  And I even adore Pinterest.  This stuff is second nature to me, but it isn't second nature to everyone I know.  I have a hard time convincing my father than sometimes text messaging is more polite than a phone call (time and place, ya know?).  So, of course I am drawn to New Evangelization, and it excites me that my social media presence means something during these weeks when we have gained a new Pope.  You cannot underestimate how connected to the world it can feel like when we are ALL Tweeting about one major event together, with all these people at St. Peter's Square.  It's mind blowing.  Thanks to new media, this is truly a magical time to be a part of the faith. 

Here I am, just a housewife in St. Louis, who tries to make it to church every week, someone tiny and insignificant, and probably not even a good Catholic....but I am part of something far greater than myself.  I am part of a Universal Catholic Church.

Fashion Rants

Time sure does fly.

Granted, I HAVE had a lot on my mind, even if I have failed to articulate any of it digitally.

Like how much I hate returning to a frustrating company in the food service industry because I needed a job.  Tail between my legs, I returned so my hubbie and I could keep food on the table and bills payed while I finished up my last semester of college.

Said last semester is now over, and I have a job search ahead of me.  Even if just to make a leap from food service to retail, just to get out from behind a drive thru window.

Oh, the stories I could tell about that drive thru window...... usually littered with hatred and curse words.  Mind you, I'm all smiles at work, because that's the corporate way.  However, I have been losing my cool easier and having to step away more.  It could be because my tolerance for stupidity has severely shrunk or just that I don't like being dehumanized every day to a group of ungrateful middle aged entitled types who lack the decency to put down their cell phones while I attempt to provide world class customer service.  I've been screamed at for not mind reading, and shushed for providing a total while a lady was on her cell, I kid you not.  Okay.....I probably should end the rant here before I go too deep.

I'm tired.
And frustrated.
And want out.

I have and hold on to my good memories with this company as much as I can, but the truth is, I may have simply grown out of it.  Or gotten jaded.  Still love our products, but in the name of austerity, it's just not the same five years later.

I also have another job though, working retail for on of my most favorite institutions in the city. YAY!  It's one day a week, but it makes that other job worth it....since this one is a career builder and the other is not.

I have been using paychecks from other job to slowly build a corporate wardrobe....  on a budget.

I've discovered this strange love of fashion and girlishness that I haven't embraced since I was ten.  I've been learning to dress a body that is often frustrating and more curvy.  I was a scrawny kid, but not I'm an adorable apple.....in a size too big for most fashion retailers but too small to be a true plus size.  How frustrating is that?  Maybe the challenge is a good thing though......it keeps me from spending like crazy.

I've learned to love Marshall's, Target, Burlington, Shoe Carnival, Dillard's, oh.....and Torrid.....(*heart*)
Heck, I've been using the Summer heat as an excuse to build my summer dress collection.  Only one left: the ubiquitous LBD!

My pinterest is littered with fashion blog links.  Someday I might actually order from some of my fave online retailers.  Someday....

 In the meantime, there's this gal who writes all about building a mix and match and remixable wardrobe.  Awesome thinking in this day and age.  I'm taking her advice on that one, and bought some new accessories today JUST for said purpose of stretching pieces for outfits.  Here's today's wardrobe choice......never mind my semi-bored facial expression; I was tired.  Or the blurriness of my camera phone.

Music as Prayer that reaches us in the darkest hours...

One of the biggest reasons I returned to the Roman Catholic Church--besides the reverence observed in Mass--is the music.  I grew up with these songs, and yet, they are still melodious prayer for me.  When I am at my most down they still manage to bring me back to peace from my darkness.  Enjoy.  Yeah, cheesy I know, but I can't resist.

 

This one seems a little poignant considering my last blog entry:

And finally, a reminder that I belong to a communion which transcends time and is always praying to our Lord for the health of the whole body....

Life is Never Ever in the Planner

So Lent has come and gone and the path of this blog was filled not with words, but only good intentions.  The truth is, sometimes opening up to the Truth is the hardest thing to do.  Sometimes, writing out what one is going through is a wall, a roadblock, impossible.
The past Lenten season was extremely difficult.  For some time before the season I had been struggling.  William and I were supposed to be these happy newlyweds, but we got bogged down by so many forces hitting us all at once: dealing with a Mortgage on our first house, my amazing job at the Art Museum coming to a bittersweet end, my father dealing with prostate cancer, having trouble with school to the point where I was told I would be better off dropping the class.
School has, for the past few years, been my biggest joy and my biggest problem.  See, I love school.  I love sitting in the classroom and soaking up new facts, and the challenge of acing a paper or an exam.  Love it.  However, I have trouble making into the classroom when I feel down, like I've let myself down, .....or...well, you get the point.  I was supposed to have graduated last May, right before I made that magical walk down the aisle.  But because of a few fractions of points, I didn't.  I had to repeat the per-requisite for my final installment, and the semester after that, was told to repeat the final installment.  While I am an amazing student in my field, it's this language thing that was getting the better of me.  But not being able to jump this one hurdle started a snowball I couldn't contain.
I failed everyone.
I failed myself and my husband most of all.
My falling behind means that today I don't have a job.  My class schedule limits my work availability even though I am only taking this one class.  No one wants to hire me without my degree.  We are down to one income with money fading quickly, our future uncertain, and both of us emotionally exhausted. Both of our families try to help us financially, but I have a husband that is too proud for a handout.....he'd rather work himself to the bone than except help.  This fact is a strain, and difficult for me who grew up both helping and receiving help when needed.  I also lost Financial Aid a while ago, so my tuition has been coming from my family.  This fact pounds more of that pressure to succeed on.  I don't want to fail them, after all.  I don't want them to think that investing in me was a bad idea.  Trust me, I'd rather have even a part time job so I don't feel like the only thing I am here is financial strain......
And with all of these circumstances combined, I crashed.
I crashed hard, and now I struggle with the crash every day.

I have been diagnosed with Clinical Depression. 

Yes, I went to the Psych ward and everything.  Following that, I spent my time in a day program for adults struggling with Depression and Addiction of various sorts learning to use Cognitive Behavioral Therapy skills in my everyday life.  I have since been released from the program, but continuing to seek the help I know I need is beyond difficult some days.  While medication did help stabilize me, and helped me to start feeling like myself in ways I haven't felt in over a year, it ran out and I managed to fall through the cracks.  Asking for help is often difficult as well.  How do I turn to somebody working down to skin and bone to support me for more, afterall?
The problem is not my husband.  He is a wonderful, caring, sweet man who is and will always be supportive of me, and is interested in my recovery.  But he is also not God.  And he is not me.  He can't do everything and I can't expect that.

However, he did turn with me during the season of Lent to learn about this disease and to learn how to approach this on a daily basis.   We also turned our 40 days in to a time of spiritual reflection and prayer....as God is the author of everything, and we both need him more than ever.
People don't usually develop depression because of a single even in their lives.  It's often many events that happen exponentially combined with the inability to properly cope.  Most people never need to learn real coping skills....whatever they have used in the past has previously worked, and unless something major happens or many things pile on, will continue to work.  But when that coping mechanism fails you, it's time to learn a new system. 
The time brought us closer together.  That, and making an honest effort to learn how to live in the poverty we are in.  The time brought me further into the mysteries of my faith, but that is too a daily struggle.

Trust me, the depression was not planned.  I often ask God why I am like this.  Why do I despair?  Why do not the psalms lift my soul?  Why am I scared....so scared that I feel paralyzed to leave my bed, or my home?  It's a cycle too....a viscous cycle of fear and loneliness and sadness.  And all because I don't know how to cope with my failure and a state of financial strain I have never yet met.

That's what my Lent was all about: this struggle.  And me trying to claw my way up to the Light.

When I was falling, and trust me that's the best adjective for the process, I wasn't even aware I was.  I only knew that it was getting more and more difficult to handle issues in my life, until suddenly I could handle none.  I didn't understand the roller coaster of my emotions.  This isn't rational, so why am I crying myself to sleep every night?  I couldn't understand why I felt out of control of my own skin and bones.  Why I slowly ceased enjoying those things I once reveled in --- although that one has been a cycle that has taken years to fall into passive nothingness.  I couldn't understand why I couldn't find a reason for my life despite all these superficially good things in my life: new house, new marriage. 

I think my depression is an incredibly complicated thing.  I didn't get here over night for only one reason.  All I know is that until I can handle all the many facets of my life that brought me to this point, I simply have to live with it;  I simply have to know what my body and mind are capable of and take care accordingly to get back the joy I once had (A true loss as a Christian, since I have always believed that Christians were known for their joy, but that's another blog).

I spent all of Lent learning how to cope and deal.  I think now I am ready to tell my story.

NFP Virgin...and a celebration of another Woman honoring her Body and Marriage.

We live in some interesting times.  Our culture is one that has pushed its love of the human body to an extreme obsession with sexuality and beauty.  The sacred marriage act has become trivialized, casual-ized and often twisted so that now sexual sin encompasses pornography and porn addiction, sex trafficking, and committing abortions for the resulting unwanted children.

Artificial Birth Control use for family planning, as it is being debated currently between the Catholic Church and Washington, is also part of that equation.  Albeit it is such a minor part of a much larger issue: a heart issue regarding how humanity sees sexuality and our bodies.

In honor of this debate, I have decided to be inspired by this issue; not necessarily to stand up on my soap box, but to learn from the discourse.  I am myself a newly married woman who has always admired women who have chosen to avoid chemical birth control methods and learn listen to their bodies and celebrate that God made something wonderful in us, if only we should listen.  I am a bit frustrated with myself for not learning Natural Family Planning sooner, but I intend to learn.  And what a perfect time, in the middle of this debate!  To start, I want to learn what the church teaches us about our bodies, starting by reading JP2's Theology of the Body.  Feel free to join me on this journey, and provide your thoughts!  Heck, while I go in search of a class in my area, what books on Natural Family Planning would you recommend?

In the meantime, I leave you with this.  Victoria's Secret model Kylie Bisutti has made the decision to keep her body for her husband, thus stepping down from Victoria's Secret.  I have to admit, I'm a little bit inspired by her show of the conviction of her faith and her example.  It would be a good thing if more women chose to think this way, rather than showcasing so much of their flesh. 

Some Catholic Girl Humor for ya....

Lukewarm cold, wet and rainy

St. Louis, rather than being in a wintry state of puffy white, is in a state of lukewarmish cold, wet, and rainy.  The family had scheduled our winter sport day for this day originally (Hey....I have some new ski boots on some new bindings connected to my awesomely classic Olin skis that need broken in, man!), however, St. Louis weather has foiled that plan.

I got groceries instead, and I mean GROCERIES!!!!

My mother took pity on our situation of being poor new homeowners with an ever flooding basement, as of late, and offered to help.  Rather than ask for money, however, I asked for food.  Fill my pantries, please, so we can eat well without going out.  And she did.  I had a rather pleasant morning with her at the Scott AFB Commissary stocking up my kitchen with fruits. veggies, and most of all......more meat than I've EVER seen in my fridge since moving out of my parents' house.  Commissary meat is a steal, folks.  Local cuts prepped right there, and you don't even have to pay tax on any of it.  Being an Army Wife does have it benefits. ahem.  Sausage.  haha.  The last time I had made that trip was when I was a little College freshie, moving into her very first off campus apartment in Edwardsville, and still under the status of Air Force Brat.  Going back as a full fledged adult was a bit surreal, but this time I'm learning how to navigate the ropes so I can do it independently later.  Hey, though.....I have a full fridge and freezer.

I feel Domestically Complete (for now).

Rain.....  Sleepy.....

All I want to do is curl up in bed right now.  Even though I have a huge chuck eye thawing for dinner, I want someone else to cook it so I can lay in bed with the cat and pretend I don't have horrible circulation and constantly cold feet.  I want to stay in all night and read a book and forget that last night the hubbie and I had an impromptu McGurk's night after our dinner with Father J and a few other beautiful young couples from our Parish.  I want to forget the six separate (but small) glasses of red wine and two glasses of grappa followed up by two pub pints of Magners later.  Tonight was a planned O'Malley's night where we're to help a newly single friend get his groove back and talking to the ladies again.  However.....bed is so warm, and my husband is heading out tomorrow for two weeks of military duty far away from here.

And my cat actually curled up with me.  Who says cats aren't affectionate?  (Or maybe I have a dog in a cat's body...)

She's Baaaack

Back to the blogosphere.  Heck.  Back to Life.

2011 was busy.  And yet, I'm glad it's over.  Wil and I got married, and now....we have even become homeowners.  Despite our shoestring budget, however, I am bound and determined to make this little place a home.  I am nearly done with my undergrad career.....only a year later then expected thanks to transfer confusion.  I just ended a temporary job as a Part Time Sales Associate at The Saint Louis Art Museum for the duration of their fabulous exhibit of Claude Monet's Agapanthus, Water Lilies Triptych.

I will admit, my job did get in the way of church.  I miss Sunday Mass, and quiet revelry followed by Brunch......yumm....Brunch.  With only a weekend and night availability, that often meant getting my needed hours on Sundays....and my week was packed solid from Friday to Sunday at 5.  I know.....bad Christian.  If only weekday mass was later than 8am for weekend working night owls like me

I'm sad to see the job go, but I'm also relieved.  I can go back to my life.  I can go back to my Sundays.  And I'll finally have the time to throw myself into the house project and finish my last two months of French class.....even though in the meantime I will be working to get a new job.  Heck, I even now have the time to edit my Senior project for the upcoming Symposium essay contest!

I haven't been very theological or obsessed with art lately.  Life has been getting in the way.  And frankly, last year was the year of finishing my Art History classes and my Thesis project.  All I need to do now is finish my French requirement and I'll be done.

In the meantime, I feel like I'm at a wall.  Being a part time student means the need to get a job...to pay the bills and so forth.  However, even being credits away from a degree means I can't go for jobs that need said degree.....or not being able to go for a secretarial job that would fit a 9 to 5 schedule.  Conundrums.  I'm limited to hourly work in retail....part times with hours that mean I don't see much of my hubbie.  *sigh*

C'est la vie.

Well, I guess you folks get to read about my upcoming projects, though:

*In the spirit of interior decorating, I'm returning to painting.  The best and cheapest custom art is the kind you do yourself!  It is a good thing I have a strong studio background.  I honestly think, however, that anything that puts me back into the studio will help my creative spirit, and I know Wil has been trying to get me drawing and painting again for a long while.

*Speaking of interior decorating, I need to post pictures.  And get this rooms done.  It's a fun project making a house a home!  I'll try to keep y'all in the updates as I finish rooms.

*My New Year's Resolution this year is to learn HOW to live a simple Life.  I don't want our new house to be an excuse to clutter.  (Note:  I am a HORRIBLE Clutterbug.  I hate this about myself, especially after spending too much time on Pinterest drooling over beautiful interior spaces).  As I have been unpacking I have already been going through the process of purging the unnecessary or the un-beautiful.  (Limiting possessions to only beautiful or useful).  It's gonna be a long painful process, but hopefully worth it in the end.

*Losing Weight.  My weight has ballooned since I started planning my wedding.....meaning all the weight I had intended to lose for the wedding had returned with force plus some by my wedding day.  The extra weight has contributed to other problems: asthma mainly.  I am, though, also frightened of diabetes later in life or when I have kids.  When it comes to food, I love to eat.....hey, I was raised by a couple of foodies, one of which is also a wine nut.  When I do cook, something I love to do, Wil and I tend to eat healthier anyway.  However, we both still have bad food habits that need to go.  (Lent project, perhaps?)  Wil found an online contest sponsored by one of the local supplement stores that is offering a large cash sum for dramatic weight loss stories told well.  There are 12 chances to win (one for every month THIS year).  Sad but true that money is the motivating factor that may make what I have been putting off a reality.....

*Um.....let's see how fast I can land a new job.  I hear the zoo is hiring.  And I would take being a blue-sweatered Gallery Attendant over not being at the St. Louis Art Museum any day!

Inspiring Story:

Church versus Bar. Theyr'e really not that different.
I highly recommend you follow the link above, but then again I am an individual who is shy about my church community, and often feel safer among that environment found at "the bar" that the author discusses.  Granted, the church tries to be the kind of community that hurt people need it to be, but often fails.  Even some real successful churches fail where your home of "Cheers" succeeds.  Take a look on a thought.

Spring Break Throat Zombies and other musings.

Post Tonsillectomy, Approximately Day 5.  I'm  writing this really early Wednesday Morning, or really late Tuesday night, depending on your definition of when a day begins or ends.


At the time when most of my peers in UMSL's art history department were beginning a voyage at the big apple or picking up more shifts at work, I reported to the hospital for the first of a few surgeries meant to make my life easier in the long run.  In this case, it was the tonsillectomy--since all out sinus surgery was denied by my health insurance--and included in this one procedure was a straightening of an obnoxious deviated septum and the removal of what turned out to be ten nasal polyps from just my nose--since no other polyps were allowed by insurance to be touched.  Trust me, this wasn't what I had in mind when dreaming about the savored middle-of-semester vacation, but better to have this done now when the work load is nill and then light near the end of this recovery process.

Going in, I'm not gonna lie, was terrifying.  But I had never before truly been under the knife.  But I was asleep through the process before being woken up in a fit of nausea and motion sickness.  Apparently, dying my hair red updating my hair color a few days before the procedure worked out in my favor -of-more-anti-nausea-medication, since us, uh, melanin-deficient folk have sensitive constitutions, according to the nurse, that is.

Sleeping, you would think, would come easy, but it doesn't.  Thanks to the saccharine-sick tasting pain killers they have me on, the pain stays manageable; I feel somewhat human save for this frog in my throat.  But I have to set an alarm to wake myself up to take it every four hours, which makes me a paranoid bear not wanting to miss a dose.  I've been learning these past few days to sleep in spurts of a few hours apiece, and to sleep sitting up.  Only after a few days could I manage to watch tv, even via hulu.com on my laptop, since something---either my broken throat or the strong med--have led to feeling dizzy and motion sick after the slightest movement on screen.  I do much better with books or with quiet conversation while both parties are sitting.

Food has been quite the adventure!  I'm trying my best to consume as much liquid as I can, but even liquid hurts to swallow.  The first few days I could only eat mush....and trust me it's so hard to feel full on mush, so I have been hungry.  Things that go down easy include apple sauce, creamed soups, sherbets, and eventually mashed potatoes.  I was excited to add scrambled eggs and pasta to the list the other day.  Ice cream is hit or miss since dairy turns the stomach unless I'm feeling particularly well.  And pudding, while creamy, is just tooo thick. I've been downing apple juice like crazy.  Not only is it gentle, but it's different than water or flat soda, but its thick enough to mask the taste of my liquid painkiller.  Today was a bit sad, since after a day and a half of semi-solid food, all I could tolerate was liquid again.

My family has been doing a fantastic job of caring for me.  But, there's just something about having your mom around when you are at your lowest physically, though, that's incredibly regenerative on its own.  My mom rocks like that though.  And even my dad has been helpful--in the retrieval of re-fill meds and keeping me company.  I've had a couple visitors thus far, too....mainly the fiance a few times and my friend Valerie.  Not a large group, so I've spent a lot of time staring at the damned ceiling.

So, I've caught up on my Community, House, Castle, Grey's Anatomy, and Bones.  And just this evening I watched Creation...the movie about Charles Darwin during the time he wrote Origin of Species.  It was a pretty well-done movie actually, providing a human insight into the inner struggle of the man who changed much in the way of world-views in the west.  The slow pace was a good thing in light of motion-sickness...

Since this is my art-faith blog, I could provide all of you an update as to my latest research regarding my senior project/thesis, and how I'm rewriting last semester's look at the art of Makoto Fujimura through the lens of "the Sublime" along the same vein as critics like Robert Rosenblum.  Honestly, it's just hard to focus right now.  Even though I have read quite a bit, I doubt I have retained, or will retain, any of it.  And I'm trying not to push myself.....something much easier said than done.  Sitting and doing nothing = much harder than working and reading and writing. 

Well, that's all for now.  I'm trying to keep it slow right now.  As much as I want to jump back into life, I hear that I'm approaching a critical zone (between days 4 and 9) where anything could happen, and, well, I don't want to risk it. 

The End of Semester Grind.  This year it is brutality of fingers on laptop swinging a million miles a second. It seems.  Here I am racing the clock to get this particular paper done in time to drop of the essay by my professor's house, which I don't think is going to happen before she gets home.  This week has resulted in the production of nearly thirty pages so far, working on the next set of ten, and then there is ten more to work on after today which I am saving to work on AFTER my French exam tomorrow.

All I can think about at this point is how much I want Friday to come, Friday....sweet Friday. This particular Friday meaning that the term is over and I can rejoice.  Friday, how you taunt me. Cruel Friday. Only two days away.

The Journey as we never intended but always needed.

I missed last week, on more than one level.  I fell short of my own goal.  And here I am, meditating on the next week of this journey, finally.  Last week was a quiet Sunday.  My fiance left town to handle inventory with his unit in another state, so I had what should have been a quiet week to myself, except that it was far from quiet.  In the hustle and bustle of closing out the semester, I found myself running like a chicken with no head trying to get my final list of assignments finished in time for the last week of class, and with a day of financial stress and a broken laptop in the midst of it. 

I consider myself fortunate for having the chance to celebrate mass at all last Sunday, with the youth of the parish closest to me--as opposed to the one I belong to, which is a few parishes over.  It was a beautiful mass, contemporary music, but one hundred percent mass, and it was completes with what was actually my first Eucharistic Adoration, albeit for only twenty minutes. Imagine! Worship with the actual physical presence of Jesus, right there, in front of you.  As Catholics believe in the transubstantiation, that the bread and wine actually become Christ, then a new layer was added to our worship.  And I wound up on my knees in a way that I hadn't been for quiet some time.

A week later I am still thankful for that time.  And as this is the week of Joy, I rejoice.  That my own journey as a student will soon come to a close for the semester, and that in the midst of the darkness term paper writing brings, there is a joy far greater than completion of school work.  There is a joy coming to save me from my fears and from my own darkness and from my own sin.  But without the journey through the darkness of anticipation and doubt, that joy at the end won't seem as bright, for the darkness always makes the light brighter. And that light, equally, provides us the hope that we are seeking.

Immram is a Gaelic word for Journey, and not just any journey, but a spiritual journey, often through water.  St. Brandon is said to have gone on an immram.  A modern retelling of an immram can actually by read about in C.S. Lewis' Voyage of the Dawn Treader, one of the Chronicles of Narnia.  It is a journey over water in search of the country of Aslan beyond the East.  It's nearly impossible not to think of another event that happened in the east, in our own world, when a small child was born---a child in a land to the east who came to be a savior for mankind.  Like any devotee, the three wise men went on a journey, a pilgrimage for this God-baby.  And today, two thousand years later, many more pilgrims go and visit the land of this child's birth.
Advent is the immram of our hearts. Remembering that Israel wandered their own pilgrimage in the desert, that Abram made a journey in the desert, that the wise men and the even the Pevensie children made a journey through dangers and toils with nothing but a promise or a hint of the greatness promised. We wander through our own sin, our own darkness each year. And by facing that darkness inside each of us, we can bring our sin to the surface so it can be forgiven, so that we can be healed.  Part of that healing, however, comes through our journey--through scripture, and mass, and fellowship. We are reminded of it on Christmas, when during the longest night of the year we are comforted by the fact that we live in the years after the child was born. The promise was fulfilled.

My own journey this year has been fraught with term papers, doubt, fears.  And each day of the journey, lessons to learn.  But when Christmas morning comes, I won't have to worry about them.  I'll finally get to spend time with my family again, admire a beautiful tree, and cuddle by the fire with my honey.  But not yet.  This journey is not yet over.

But that wont keep me from rejoicing at the possibilities.

Advent of Hope

"Awake from your slumber! Arise from your sleep!
A new day is dawning for all those who weep.
The people in darkness have seen a great light.
The Lord of our longing has conquered the night."
 ~A City of God, hymn by Daniel L. Schutte

Yesterday was a marvelously peaceful and restful Sabbath, the likes of which I have not had the opportunity to have for some time.  And at the center of it was a marvelous blueberry pancake and hot apple breakfast with my fiance, his sister and her boyfriend while lighting our first Advent candle of the season, the Candle of Hope in a time of darkness.  Our little study included passages from John's Gospel, "In the beginning was the Light....," and then onto Psalms singing of the darkness and clinging to God.  And Isaiah's words are always appropriate to this season.  However, after the candles were snuffed out, I read the Gospel for that Sunday that I would have heard at mass had the fiance felt better: Mathew 24, 37- 44.

It's a passage that reminds us that the hour of HIS next coming could come at any moment, by utter surprise, when we least expect it.  The passage is an alarm, a warning.  Everything else we read points to the darkness that has enveloped the earth, and that darkness includes what lays within our very hearts.  It is a reminder that my heart has a lot of preparation before I can be ready to fully embrace the Incarnation that is coming, before I can be one of those to be taken to the New Earth.  There is much work to do to ready the party scene.

On the outside that could look like hanging decorations for the season to come, or in my case, as a student, it looks like wrapping up overdue projects..... but inside the depths of ourselves?  That takes the courage to lift up our eyes to our Lord and ask for him.  It takes a Sacrament, It takes Reconciliation.  And after that, it takes Hope to maintain our dignity in the dark.