Life is Never Ever in the Planner

So Lent has come and gone and the path of this blog was filled not with words, but only good intentions.  The truth is, sometimes opening up to the Truth is the hardest thing to do.  Sometimes, writing out what one is going through is a wall, a roadblock, impossible.
The past Lenten season was extremely difficult.  For some time before the season I had been struggling.  William and I were supposed to be these happy newlyweds, but we got bogged down by so many forces hitting us all at once: dealing with a Mortgage on our first house, my amazing job at the Art Museum coming to a bittersweet end, my father dealing with prostate cancer, having trouble with school to the point where I was told I would be better off dropping the class.
School has, for the past few years, been my biggest joy and my biggest problem.  See, I love school.  I love sitting in the classroom and soaking up new facts, and the challenge of acing a paper or an exam.  Love it.  However, I have trouble making into the classroom when I feel down, like I've let myself down, .....or...well, you get the point.  I was supposed to have graduated last May, right before I made that magical walk down the aisle.  But because of a few fractions of points, I didn't.  I had to repeat the per-requisite for my final installment, and the semester after that, was told to repeat the final installment.  While I am an amazing student in my field, it's this language thing that was getting the better of me.  But not being able to jump this one hurdle started a snowball I couldn't contain.
I failed everyone.
I failed myself and my husband most of all.
My falling behind means that today I don't have a job.  My class schedule limits my work availability even though I am only taking this one class.  No one wants to hire me without my degree.  We are down to one income with money fading quickly, our future uncertain, and both of us emotionally exhausted. Both of our families try to help us financially, but I have a husband that is too proud for a handout.....he'd rather work himself to the bone than except help.  This fact is a strain, and difficult for me who grew up both helping and receiving help when needed.  I also lost Financial Aid a while ago, so my tuition has been coming from my family.  This fact pounds more of that pressure to succeed on.  I don't want to fail them, after all.  I don't want them to think that investing in me was a bad idea.  Trust me, I'd rather have even a part time job so I don't feel like the only thing I am here is financial strain......
And with all of these circumstances combined, I crashed.
I crashed hard, and now I struggle with the crash every day.

I have been diagnosed with Clinical Depression. 

Yes, I went to the Psych ward and everything.  Following that, I spent my time in a day program for adults struggling with Depression and Addiction of various sorts learning to use Cognitive Behavioral Therapy skills in my everyday life.  I have since been released from the program, but continuing to seek the help I know I need is beyond difficult some days.  While medication did help stabilize me, and helped me to start feeling like myself in ways I haven't felt in over a year, it ran out and I managed to fall through the cracks.  Asking for help is often difficult as well.  How do I turn to somebody working down to skin and bone to support me for more, afterall?
The problem is not my husband.  He is a wonderful, caring, sweet man who is and will always be supportive of me, and is interested in my recovery.  But he is also not God.  And he is not me.  He can't do everything and I can't expect that.

However, he did turn with me during the season of Lent to learn about this disease and to learn how to approach this on a daily basis.   We also turned our 40 days in to a time of spiritual reflection and prayer....as God is the author of everything, and we both need him more than ever.
People don't usually develop depression because of a single even in their lives.  It's often many events that happen exponentially combined with the inability to properly cope.  Most people never need to learn real coping skills....whatever they have used in the past has previously worked, and unless something major happens or many things pile on, will continue to work.  But when that coping mechanism fails you, it's time to learn a new system. 
The time brought us closer together.  That, and making an honest effort to learn how to live in the poverty we are in.  The time brought me further into the mysteries of my faith, but that is too a daily struggle.

Trust me, the depression was not planned.  I often ask God why I am like this.  Why do I despair?  Why do not the psalms lift my soul?  Why am I scared....so scared that I feel paralyzed to leave my bed, or my home?  It's a cycle too....a viscous cycle of fear and loneliness and sadness.  And all because I don't know how to cope with my failure and a state of financial strain I have never yet met.

That's what my Lent was all about: this struggle.  And me trying to claw my way up to the Light.

When I was falling, and trust me that's the best adjective for the process, I wasn't even aware I was.  I only knew that it was getting more and more difficult to handle issues in my life, until suddenly I could handle none.  I didn't understand the roller coaster of my emotions.  This isn't rational, so why am I crying myself to sleep every night?  I couldn't understand why I felt out of control of my own skin and bones.  Why I slowly ceased enjoying those things I once reveled in --- although that one has been a cycle that has taken years to fall into passive nothingness.  I couldn't understand why I couldn't find a reason for my life despite all these superficially good things in my life: new house, new marriage. 

I think my depression is an incredibly complicated thing.  I didn't get here over night for only one reason.  All I know is that until I can handle all the many facets of my life that brought me to this point, I simply have to live with it;  I simply have to know what my body and mind are capable of and take care accordingly to get back the joy I once had (A true loss as a Christian, since I have always believed that Christians were known for their joy, but that's another blog).

I spent all of Lent learning how to cope and deal.  I think now I am ready to tell my story.

NFP Virgin...and a celebration of another Woman honoring her Body and Marriage.

We live in some interesting times.  Our culture is one that has pushed its love of the human body to an extreme obsession with sexuality and beauty.  The sacred marriage act has become trivialized, casual-ized and often twisted so that now sexual sin encompasses pornography and porn addiction, sex trafficking, and committing abortions for the resulting unwanted children.

Artificial Birth Control use for family planning, as it is being debated currently between the Catholic Church and Washington, is also part of that equation.  Albeit it is such a minor part of a much larger issue: a heart issue regarding how humanity sees sexuality and our bodies.

In honor of this debate, I have decided to be inspired by this issue; not necessarily to stand up on my soap box, but to learn from the discourse.  I am myself a newly married woman who has always admired women who have chosen to avoid chemical birth control methods and learn listen to their bodies and celebrate that God made something wonderful in us, if only we should listen.  I am a bit frustrated with myself for not learning Natural Family Planning sooner, but I intend to learn.  And what a perfect time, in the middle of this debate!  To start, I want to learn what the church teaches us about our bodies, starting by reading JP2's Theology of the Body.  Feel free to join me on this journey, and provide your thoughts!  Heck, while I go in search of a class in my area, what books on Natural Family Planning would you recommend?

In the meantime, I leave you with this.  Victoria's Secret model Kylie Bisutti has made the decision to keep her body for her husband, thus stepping down from Victoria's Secret.  I have to admit, I'm a little bit inspired by her show of the conviction of her faith and her example.  It would be a good thing if more women chose to think this way, rather than showcasing so much of their flesh. 

Some Catholic Girl Humor for ya....

Lukewarm cold, wet and rainy

St. Louis, rather than being in a wintry state of puffy white, is in a state of lukewarmish cold, wet, and rainy.  The family had scheduled our winter sport day for this day originally (Hey....I have some new ski boots on some new bindings connected to my awesomely classic Olin skis that need broken in, man!), however, St. Louis weather has foiled that plan.

I got groceries instead, and I mean GROCERIES!!!!

My mother took pity on our situation of being poor new homeowners with an ever flooding basement, as of late, and offered to help.  Rather than ask for money, however, I asked for food.  Fill my pantries, please, so we can eat well without going out.  And she did.  I had a rather pleasant morning with her at the Scott AFB Commissary stocking up my kitchen with fruits. veggies, and most of all......more meat than I've EVER seen in my fridge since moving out of my parents' house.  Commissary meat is a steal, folks.  Local cuts prepped right there, and you don't even have to pay tax on any of it.  Being an Army Wife does have it benefits. ahem.  Sausage.  haha.  The last time I had made that trip was when I was a little College freshie, moving into her very first off campus apartment in Edwardsville, and still under the status of Air Force Brat.  Going back as a full fledged adult was a bit surreal, but this time I'm learning how to navigate the ropes so I can do it independently later.  Hey, though.....I have a full fridge and freezer.

I feel Domestically Complete (for now).

Rain.....  Sleepy.....

All I want to do is curl up in bed right now.  Even though I have a huge chuck eye thawing for dinner, I want someone else to cook it so I can lay in bed with the cat and pretend I don't have horrible circulation and constantly cold feet.  I want to stay in all night and read a book and forget that last night the hubbie and I had an impromptu McGurk's night after our dinner with Father J and a few other beautiful young couples from our Parish.  I want to forget the six separate (but small) glasses of red wine and two glasses of grappa followed up by two pub pints of Magners later.  Tonight was a planned O'Malley's night where we're to help a newly single friend get his groove back and talking to the ladies again.  However.....bed is so warm, and my husband is heading out tomorrow for two weeks of military duty far away from here.

And my cat actually curled up with me.  Who says cats aren't affectionate?  (Or maybe I have a dog in a cat's body...)

She's Baaaack

Back to the blogosphere.  Heck.  Back to Life.

2011 was busy.  And yet, I'm glad it's over.  Wil and I got married, and now....we have even become homeowners.  Despite our shoestring budget, however, I am bound and determined to make this little place a home.  I am nearly done with my undergrad career.....only a year later then expected thanks to transfer confusion.  I just ended a temporary job as a Part Time Sales Associate at The Saint Louis Art Museum for the duration of their fabulous exhibit of Claude Monet's Agapanthus, Water Lilies Triptych.

I will admit, my job did get in the way of church.  I miss Sunday Mass, and quiet revelry followed by Brunch......yumm....Brunch.  With only a weekend and night availability, that often meant getting my needed hours on Sundays....and my week was packed solid from Friday to Sunday at 5.  I know.....bad Christian.  If only weekday mass was later than 8am for weekend working night owls like me

I'm sad to see the job go, but I'm also relieved.  I can go back to my life.  I can go back to my Sundays.  And I'll finally have the time to throw myself into the house project and finish my last two months of French class.....even though in the meantime I will be working to get a new job.  Heck, I even now have the time to edit my Senior project for the upcoming Symposium essay contest!

I haven't been very theological or obsessed with art lately.  Life has been getting in the way.  And frankly, last year was the year of finishing my Art History classes and my Thesis project.  All I need to do now is finish my French requirement and I'll be done.

In the meantime, I feel like I'm at a wall.  Being a part time student means the need to get a job...to pay the bills and so forth.  However, even being credits away from a degree means I can't go for jobs that need said degree.....or not being able to go for a secretarial job that would fit a 9 to 5 schedule.  Conundrums.  I'm limited to hourly work in retail....part times with hours that mean I don't see much of my hubbie.  *sigh*

C'est la vie.

Well, I guess you folks get to read about my upcoming projects, though:

*In the spirit of interior decorating, I'm returning to painting.  The best and cheapest custom art is the kind you do yourself!  It is a good thing I have a strong studio background.  I honestly think, however, that anything that puts me back into the studio will help my creative spirit, and I know Wil has been trying to get me drawing and painting again for a long while.

*Speaking of interior decorating, I need to post pictures.  And get this rooms done.  It's a fun project making a house a home!  I'll try to keep y'all in the updates as I finish rooms.

*My New Year's Resolution this year is to learn HOW to live a simple Life.  I don't want our new house to be an excuse to clutter.  (Note:  I am a HORRIBLE Clutterbug.  I hate this about myself, especially after spending too much time on Pinterest drooling over beautiful interior spaces).  As I have been unpacking I have already been going through the process of purging the unnecessary or the un-beautiful.  (Limiting possessions to only beautiful or useful).  It's gonna be a long painful process, but hopefully worth it in the end.

*Losing Weight.  My weight has ballooned since I started planning my wedding.....meaning all the weight I had intended to lose for the wedding had returned with force plus some by my wedding day.  The extra weight has contributed to other problems: asthma mainly.  I am, though, also frightened of diabetes later in life or when I have kids.  When it comes to food, I love to eat.....hey, I was raised by a couple of foodies, one of which is also a wine nut.  When I do cook, something I love to do, Wil and I tend to eat healthier anyway.  However, we both still have bad food habits that need to go.  (Lent project, perhaps?)  Wil found an online contest sponsored by one of the local supplement stores that is offering a large cash sum for dramatic weight loss stories told well.  There are 12 chances to win (one for every month THIS year).  Sad but true that money is the motivating factor that may make what I have been putting off a reality.....

*Um.....let's see how fast I can land a new job.  I hear the zoo is hiring.  And I would take being a blue-sweatered Gallery Attendant over not being at the St. Louis Art Museum any day!

Inspiring Story:

Church versus Bar. Theyr'e really not that different.
I highly recommend you follow the link above, but then again I am an individual who is shy about my church community, and often feel safer among that environment found at "the bar" that the author discusses.  Granted, the church tries to be the kind of community that hurt people need it to be, but often fails.  Even some real successful churches fail where your home of "Cheers" succeeds.  Take a look on a thought.

Spring Break Throat Zombies and other musings.

Post Tonsillectomy, Approximately Day 5.  I'm  writing this really early Wednesday Morning, or really late Tuesday night, depending on your definition of when a day begins or ends.


At the time when most of my peers in UMSL's art history department were beginning a voyage at the big apple or picking up more shifts at work, I reported to the hospital for the first of a few surgeries meant to make my life easier in the long run.  In this case, it was the tonsillectomy--since all out sinus surgery was denied by my health insurance--and included in this one procedure was a straightening of an obnoxious deviated septum and the removal of what turned out to be ten nasal polyps from just my nose--since no other polyps were allowed by insurance to be touched.  Trust me, this wasn't what I had in mind when dreaming about the savored middle-of-semester vacation, but better to have this done now when the work load is nill and then light near the end of this recovery process.

Going in, I'm not gonna lie, was terrifying.  But I had never before truly been under the knife.  But I was asleep through the process before being woken up in a fit of nausea and motion sickness.  Apparently, dying my hair red updating my hair color a few days before the procedure worked out in my favor -of-more-anti-nausea-medication, since us, uh, melanin-deficient folk have sensitive constitutions, according to the nurse, that is.

Sleeping, you would think, would come easy, but it doesn't.  Thanks to the saccharine-sick tasting pain killers they have me on, the pain stays manageable; I feel somewhat human save for this frog in my throat.  But I have to set an alarm to wake myself up to take it every four hours, which makes me a paranoid bear not wanting to miss a dose.  I've been learning these past few days to sleep in spurts of a few hours apiece, and to sleep sitting up.  Only after a few days could I manage to watch tv, even via hulu.com on my laptop, since something---either my broken throat or the strong med--have led to feeling dizzy and motion sick after the slightest movement on screen.  I do much better with books or with quiet conversation while both parties are sitting.

Food has been quite the adventure!  I'm trying my best to consume as much liquid as I can, but even liquid hurts to swallow.  The first few days I could only eat mush....and trust me it's so hard to feel full on mush, so I have been hungry.  Things that go down easy include apple sauce, creamed soups, sherbets, and eventually mashed potatoes.  I was excited to add scrambled eggs and pasta to the list the other day.  Ice cream is hit or miss since dairy turns the stomach unless I'm feeling particularly well.  And pudding, while creamy, is just tooo thick. I've been downing apple juice like crazy.  Not only is it gentle, but it's different than water or flat soda, but its thick enough to mask the taste of my liquid painkiller.  Today was a bit sad, since after a day and a half of semi-solid food, all I could tolerate was liquid again.

My family has been doing a fantastic job of caring for me.  But, there's just something about having your mom around when you are at your lowest physically, though, that's incredibly regenerative on its own.  My mom rocks like that though.  And even my dad has been helpful--in the retrieval of re-fill meds and keeping me company.  I've had a couple visitors thus far, too....mainly the fiance a few times and my friend Valerie.  Not a large group, so I've spent a lot of time staring at the damned ceiling.

So, I've caught up on my Community, House, Castle, Grey's Anatomy, and Bones.  And just this evening I watched Creation...the movie about Charles Darwin during the time he wrote Origin of Species.  It was a pretty well-done movie actually, providing a human insight into the inner struggle of the man who changed much in the way of world-views in the west.  The slow pace was a good thing in light of motion-sickness...

Since this is my art-faith blog, I could provide all of you an update as to my latest research regarding my senior project/thesis, and how I'm rewriting last semester's look at the art of Makoto Fujimura through the lens of "the Sublime" along the same vein as critics like Robert Rosenblum.  Honestly, it's just hard to focus right now.  Even though I have read quite a bit, I doubt I have retained, or will retain, any of it.  And I'm trying not to push myself.....something much easier said than done.  Sitting and doing nothing = much harder than working and reading and writing. 

Well, that's all for now.  I'm trying to keep it slow right now.  As much as I want to jump back into life, I hear that I'm approaching a critical zone (between days 4 and 9) where anything could happen, and, well, I don't want to risk it.