I feel a Revival Coming On....

Wow!  It has been quite an interesting Lenten season for us Catholics. 

First, Pope Benedict the 16th stepped down as the leader of our church.  All eyes turned toward Rome last week when the College of Cardinals were all called into Convention, and then into Conclave, to choose our new Pontificate -- who came in the form of the Argentinian Archbishop Jorge Mario Bergoglio, now Pope Francis.  He is the first Pope from the New World, the first Jesuit Pope, and our first Francis.  I missed watching his Inaugural Mass on television this morning (I chose sleep instead), but I didn't miss watching his first historic words to the world last week when he stepped out onto the Balcony over St. Peter's square and said "Good Evening."  I was sitting in my living room, taking a break from cleaning. When he led us in prayer.....from those in St. Peter's Square to everyone in the world who was watching via TV, the internet, Twitter.....I couldn't help but feel the Holy Spirit at work.  Here we are, the Catholic, Universal church, being led in prayer by our new Pope.  My spine tingled through each word of the "Our Father," "Hail Mary," and "Glory Be."  Words cannot express what that kind of unity felt like.  Oh! To be there in more than spirit....!

I can't help but feel revitalized in my faith at a time like this.  Catholicism is one of the top topics in the public's mind right now.  It's up to us as Catholics to do something good with it, to keep the ball rolling.  We are starting to learn what the shape of Pope Francis' ministry will look like based off of the example he led back in his home country.  The media has not hesitated to dig up anything and everything in an attempt to either exalt or demean this man.  Yet, on the fore front of all of that media buzz are all the little ways that Pope Francis lives the Gospel.....in choosing the bus rather than the papal limo, or paying his hotel bill the morning after the vote.  In Pope Francis we have a humble servant who was exalted because of his humility.  It's beautiful. It's a living testament to the fact that we as Christians need to be living examples of our faith, and DO, ACT upon Christ's words when he tells us to Feed his people.  Just like St. Francis of Assisi famously said: "Preach the Gospel always. With words if you have to."

This is not to discredit the work of our scholarly Pope Emeritus, Benedict the 16th, whose writings have been described as little time bombs planted in our recent history, waiting to be discovered and read.  I, personally, have a few of his titles in my reading queue. 

What I am most amazed and hopeful about, though, is how Pope Francis will be continuing Pope Benedict's work on New Evangelization.  Even though I have just heard the term less than a month ago, I have been passionately and almost obsessively intrigued by the topic. 

Pope Benedict started this Year of Faith back in October with a Synod of Bishops in Rome on the theme of "The New Evangelization and the Transmission of the Christian Faith."  The United States Conference of Bishops has since presented a strategic pastoral plan for evangelizing which can accessed on their webpage.  Then there are all the publications on the topic which are finally coming out into the public domain to be read.  I, for one, have already devoured Cardinal Donald Weurl's New Evangelization: Passing on the Catholic Faith Today, which came out just this past January. This is a short little gem which serves as a good introduction to the topic.  Currently, I am in the middle of Evangelical Catholicism: Deep Reform in the 21st Century Church, by the Letters to a Young Catholic author George Weigel.  Weigel's book invites Catholics to look at both how our recent history as a church has led us to this point, for both good and for ill, as well as presents a steady solution in our evangelizing styles.  His work is both scholarly and easy to follow, as well as makes me feel glad to be a part of the Catholic Family.  Like any good bookworm, I enjoy these titles, its actually the Video-Internet based ministry of Fr. Robert Barron, of Word on Fire, that I find most intriguing.

I discovered Fr. Barron's Youtube channel just months before my wedding, when I was recovering from my tonsillectomy at my parent's house.  Reading was difficult, so I surfed the web instead. Earlier that week my father had read an article by Fr. Barron which was republished in the local diocesan newspaper.  I decided to Google this fascinating author, and was pleasantly surprised by his Youtube commentaries on our contemporary culture.  I had already been aware of the extent that the Protestant churches had been using technology: twitter, youtube and vlogs, to spread the gospel message, but I still had this over arching idea that my own church was kitch in its visual approach and behind the times.  This man proved that bias wrong.  The first people I followed on Twitter were of this Protestant persuasion.....after all, I did marry a Protestant.  However, since then it feels like my own Catholic family has been catching up in leaps and bounds.  Word on Fire ministries, and Fr. Robert Barron, have gone on to complete their now amazing video series: Catholicism, and are currently working on a video series on New Evangelism, which I am wonderfully anticipating.

You see, I am a child of the information age.  I have been blogging in some form or another since I was in high school.  I was connected on Myspace when it was the cool thing to do; now I am on Facebook and Twitter.  I have used Skype to keep in contact with my husband during his overseas deployments.  And I even adore Pinterest.  This stuff is second nature to me, but it isn't second nature to everyone I know.  I have a hard time convincing my father than sometimes text messaging is more polite than a phone call (time and place, ya know?).  So, of course I am drawn to New Evangelization, and it excites me that my social media presence means something during these weeks when we have gained a new Pope.  You cannot underestimate how connected to the world it can feel like when we are ALL Tweeting about one major event together, with all these people at St. Peter's Square.  It's mind blowing.  Thanks to new media, this is truly a magical time to be a part of the faith. 

Here I am, just a housewife in St. Louis, who tries to make it to church every week, someone tiny and insignificant, and probably not even a good Catholic....but I am part of something far greater than myself.  I am part of a Universal Catholic Church.

Fashion Rants

Time sure does fly.

Granted, I HAVE had a lot on my mind, even if I have failed to articulate any of it digitally.

Like how much I hate returning to a frustrating company in the food service industry because I needed a job.  Tail between my legs, I returned so my hubbie and I could keep food on the table and bills payed while I finished up my last semester of college.

Said last semester is now over, and I have a job search ahead of me.  Even if just to make a leap from food service to retail, just to get out from behind a drive thru window.

Oh, the stories I could tell about that drive thru window...... usually littered with hatred and curse words.  Mind you, I'm all smiles at work, because that's the corporate way.  However, I have been losing my cool easier and having to step away more.  It could be because my tolerance for stupidity has severely shrunk or just that I don't like being dehumanized every day to a group of ungrateful middle aged entitled types who lack the decency to put down their cell phones while I attempt to provide world class customer service.  I've been screamed at for not mind reading, and shushed for providing a total while a lady was on her cell, I kid you not.  Okay.....I probably should end the rant here before I go too deep.

I'm tired.
And frustrated.
And want out.

I have and hold on to my good memories with this company as much as I can, but the truth is, I may have simply grown out of it.  Or gotten jaded.  Still love our products, but in the name of austerity, it's just not the same five years later.

I also have another job though, working retail for on of my most favorite institutions in the city. YAY!  It's one day a week, but it makes that other job worth it....since this one is a career builder and the other is not.

I have been using paychecks from other job to slowly build a corporate wardrobe....  on a budget.

I've discovered this strange love of fashion and girlishness that I haven't embraced since I was ten.  I've been learning to dress a body that is often frustrating and more curvy.  I was a scrawny kid, but not I'm an adorable apple.....in a size too big for most fashion retailers but too small to be a true plus size.  How frustrating is that?  Maybe the challenge is a good thing though......it keeps me from spending like crazy.

I've learned to love Marshall's, Target, Burlington, Shoe Carnival, Dillard's, oh.....and Torrid.....(*heart*)
Heck, I've been using the Summer heat as an excuse to build my summer dress collection.  Only one left: the ubiquitous LBD!

My pinterest is littered with fashion blog links.  Someday I might actually order from some of my fave online retailers.  Someday....

 In the meantime, there's this gal who writes all about building a mix and match and remixable wardrobe.  Awesome thinking in this day and age.  I'm taking her advice on that one, and bought some new accessories today JUST for said purpose of stretching pieces for outfits.  Here's today's wardrobe choice......never mind my semi-bored facial expression; I was tired.  Or the blurriness of my camera phone.

Music as Prayer that reaches us in the darkest hours...

One of the biggest reasons I returned to the Roman Catholic Church--besides the reverence observed in Mass--is the music.  I grew up with these songs, and yet, they are still melodious prayer for me.  When I am at my most down they still manage to bring me back to peace from my darkness.  Enjoy.  Yeah, cheesy I know, but I can't resist.

 

This one seems a little poignant considering my last blog entry:

And finally, a reminder that I belong to a communion which transcends time and is always praying to our Lord for the health of the whole body....

Life is Never Ever in the Planner

So Lent has come and gone and the path of this blog was filled not with words, but only good intentions.  The truth is, sometimes opening up to the Truth is the hardest thing to do.  Sometimes, writing out what one is going through is a wall, a roadblock, impossible.
The past Lenten season was extremely difficult.  For some time before the season I had been struggling.  William and I were supposed to be these happy newlyweds, but we got bogged down by so many forces hitting us all at once: dealing with a Mortgage on our first house, my amazing job at the Art Museum coming to a bittersweet end, my father dealing with prostate cancer, having trouble with school to the point where I was told I would be better off dropping the class.
School has, for the past few years, been my biggest joy and my biggest problem.  See, I love school.  I love sitting in the classroom and soaking up new facts, and the challenge of acing a paper or an exam.  Love it.  However, I have trouble making into the classroom when I feel down, like I've let myself down, .....or...well, you get the point.  I was supposed to have graduated last May, right before I made that magical walk down the aisle.  But because of a few fractions of points, I didn't.  I had to repeat the per-requisite for my final installment, and the semester after that, was told to repeat the final installment.  While I am an amazing student in my field, it's this language thing that was getting the better of me.  But not being able to jump this one hurdle started a snowball I couldn't contain.
I failed everyone.
I failed myself and my husband most of all.
My falling behind means that today I don't have a job.  My class schedule limits my work availability even though I am only taking this one class.  No one wants to hire me without my degree.  We are down to one income with money fading quickly, our future uncertain, and both of us emotionally exhausted. Both of our families try to help us financially, but I have a husband that is too proud for a handout.....he'd rather work himself to the bone than except help.  This fact is a strain, and difficult for me who grew up both helping and receiving help when needed.  I also lost Financial Aid a while ago, so my tuition has been coming from my family.  This fact pounds more of that pressure to succeed on.  I don't want to fail them, after all.  I don't want them to think that investing in me was a bad idea.  Trust me, I'd rather have even a part time job so I don't feel like the only thing I am here is financial strain......
And with all of these circumstances combined, I crashed.
I crashed hard, and now I struggle with the crash every day.

I have been diagnosed with Clinical Depression. 

Yes, I went to the Psych ward and everything.  Following that, I spent my time in a day program for adults struggling with Depression and Addiction of various sorts learning to use Cognitive Behavioral Therapy skills in my everyday life.  I have since been released from the program, but continuing to seek the help I know I need is beyond difficult some days.  While medication did help stabilize me, and helped me to start feeling like myself in ways I haven't felt in over a year, it ran out and I managed to fall through the cracks.  Asking for help is often difficult as well.  How do I turn to somebody working down to skin and bone to support me for more, afterall?
The problem is not my husband.  He is a wonderful, caring, sweet man who is and will always be supportive of me, and is interested in my recovery.  But he is also not God.  And he is not me.  He can't do everything and I can't expect that.

However, he did turn with me during the season of Lent to learn about this disease and to learn how to approach this on a daily basis.   We also turned our 40 days in to a time of spiritual reflection and prayer....as God is the author of everything, and we both need him more than ever.
People don't usually develop depression because of a single even in their lives.  It's often many events that happen exponentially combined with the inability to properly cope.  Most people never need to learn real coping skills....whatever they have used in the past has previously worked, and unless something major happens or many things pile on, will continue to work.  But when that coping mechanism fails you, it's time to learn a new system. 
The time brought us closer together.  That, and making an honest effort to learn how to live in the poverty we are in.  The time brought me further into the mysteries of my faith, but that is too a daily struggle.

Trust me, the depression was not planned.  I often ask God why I am like this.  Why do I despair?  Why do not the psalms lift my soul?  Why am I scared....so scared that I feel paralyzed to leave my bed, or my home?  It's a cycle too....a viscous cycle of fear and loneliness and sadness.  And all because I don't know how to cope with my failure and a state of financial strain I have never yet met.

That's what my Lent was all about: this struggle.  And me trying to claw my way up to the Light.

When I was falling, and trust me that's the best adjective for the process, I wasn't even aware I was.  I only knew that it was getting more and more difficult to handle issues in my life, until suddenly I could handle none.  I didn't understand the roller coaster of my emotions.  This isn't rational, so why am I crying myself to sleep every night?  I couldn't understand why I felt out of control of my own skin and bones.  Why I slowly ceased enjoying those things I once reveled in --- although that one has been a cycle that has taken years to fall into passive nothingness.  I couldn't understand why I couldn't find a reason for my life despite all these superficially good things in my life: new house, new marriage. 

I think my depression is an incredibly complicated thing.  I didn't get here over night for only one reason.  All I know is that until I can handle all the many facets of my life that brought me to this point, I simply have to live with it;  I simply have to know what my body and mind are capable of and take care accordingly to get back the joy I once had (A true loss as a Christian, since I have always believed that Christians were known for their joy, but that's another blog).

I spent all of Lent learning how to cope and deal.  I think now I am ready to tell my story.

NFP Virgin...and a celebration of another Woman honoring her Body and Marriage.

We live in some interesting times.  Our culture is one that has pushed its love of the human body to an extreme obsession with sexuality and beauty.  The sacred marriage act has become trivialized, casual-ized and often twisted so that now sexual sin encompasses pornography and porn addiction, sex trafficking, and committing abortions for the resulting unwanted children.

Artificial Birth Control use for family planning, as it is being debated currently between the Catholic Church and Washington, is also part of that equation.  Albeit it is such a minor part of a much larger issue: a heart issue regarding how humanity sees sexuality and our bodies.

In honor of this debate, I have decided to be inspired by this issue; not necessarily to stand up on my soap box, but to learn from the discourse.  I am myself a newly married woman who has always admired women who have chosen to avoid chemical birth control methods and learn listen to their bodies and celebrate that God made something wonderful in us, if only we should listen.  I am a bit frustrated with myself for not learning Natural Family Planning sooner, but I intend to learn.  And what a perfect time, in the middle of this debate!  To start, I want to learn what the church teaches us about our bodies, starting by reading JP2's Theology of the Body.  Feel free to join me on this journey, and provide your thoughts!  Heck, while I go in search of a class in my area, what books on Natural Family Planning would you recommend?

In the meantime, I leave you with this.  Victoria's Secret model Kylie Bisutti has made the decision to keep her body for her husband, thus stepping down from Victoria's Secret.  I have to admit, I'm a little bit inspired by her show of the conviction of her faith and her example.  It would be a good thing if more women chose to think this way, rather than showcasing so much of their flesh. 

Some Catholic Girl Humor for ya....

Lukewarm cold, wet and rainy

St. Louis, rather than being in a wintry state of puffy white, is in a state of lukewarmish cold, wet, and rainy.  The family had scheduled our winter sport day for this day originally (Hey....I have some new ski boots on some new bindings connected to my awesomely classic Olin skis that need broken in, man!), however, St. Louis weather has foiled that plan.

I got groceries instead, and I mean GROCERIES!!!!

My mother took pity on our situation of being poor new homeowners with an ever flooding basement, as of late, and offered to help.  Rather than ask for money, however, I asked for food.  Fill my pantries, please, so we can eat well without going out.  And she did.  I had a rather pleasant morning with her at the Scott AFB Commissary stocking up my kitchen with fruits. veggies, and most of all......more meat than I've EVER seen in my fridge since moving out of my parents' house.  Commissary meat is a steal, folks.  Local cuts prepped right there, and you don't even have to pay tax on any of it.  Being an Army Wife does have it benefits. ahem.  Sausage.  haha.  The last time I had made that trip was when I was a little College freshie, moving into her very first off campus apartment in Edwardsville, and still under the status of Air Force Brat.  Going back as a full fledged adult was a bit surreal, but this time I'm learning how to navigate the ropes so I can do it independently later.  Hey, though.....I have a full fridge and freezer.

I feel Domestically Complete (for now).

Rain.....  Sleepy.....

All I want to do is curl up in bed right now.  Even though I have a huge chuck eye thawing for dinner, I want someone else to cook it so I can lay in bed with the cat and pretend I don't have horrible circulation and constantly cold feet.  I want to stay in all night and read a book and forget that last night the hubbie and I had an impromptu McGurk's night after our dinner with Father J and a few other beautiful young couples from our Parish.  I want to forget the six separate (but small) glasses of red wine and two glasses of grappa followed up by two pub pints of Magners later.  Tonight was a planned O'Malley's night where we're to help a newly single friend get his groove back and talking to the ladies again.  However.....bed is so warm, and my husband is heading out tomorrow for two weeks of military duty far away from here.

And my cat actually curled up with me.  Who says cats aren't affectionate?  (Or maybe I have a dog in a cat's body...)